Bullet Journaling (Part 2)

Happy Wednesday, everyone! So last week, I wrote a post about what a bullet journal (bujo) is. If you missed out on that post, you can find it here. This week, I am going to share with you how I am using my bullet journal/creative planner to keep my life more organized.

My Introduction to Bullet Journaling
Before I do that though, I want to walk you through my process of choosing how to get started and dive right in. As I said in my last post, I really didn't know much about bullet journals until I happened upon them while searching up creative lettering in Pinterest. As I came across pin, after pin, after pin of fabulous ideas, I really wanted to give it a tiny little try.

Well, I just so happened to come across one of my kids' drawing pads on the kitchen table and I was feeling very fatigued (and quite frankly, also trying to avoid working on the mountains of laundry I had to do). So I slid the drawing pad over and began to sketch. I started out very simply...writing words in fancy fonts with borders around the page and a few doodle elements. I had to keep my Pinterest app open on my phone so that I could search up ideas. Here are my first few doodles:

And here is the sketch that unmasks the truth:

Instead of doing the laundry, I just drew it! Hahaha!

After a few simpler sketches, I decided to try something a tad more challenging and intricate, so this is what I drew:

As you can see, my sketches and ideas became more complex...and that is mostly because I kept coming across more bullet journal tips and ideas.  At this point, I knew I wanted to try out bullet journaling.  I loved the whole idea of it! 

Finding the Right Bullet Journal or Planner
In what little spare time I had, I started searching for the right type of journal that would work best for me. I read other bloggers' reviews and recommendations.  Here are some of the most highly recommended journals:




After reading what experienced bullet journalists liked using, I checked out reviews on Amazon and craft store sites, and finally, I headed to the stores to look at what they had to offer.  At each store, I found different types of journals and planners.  I had to really think it through and consider it an investment (they ain't cheap!).  I began to develop a list of criteria in my head for what I wanted to be able to do in my journal/planner and this is what I had decided it needed to have:

• Visually attractive...if I'm going to be using it all day, every day, I certainly want to enjoy the experience! :)
• Blank pages for creating collections (like lists...bucket lists, book lists, movie lists, etc.), journaling, and sketching.
• A pen/pencil holder.
• A monthly calendar already made and printed out for an at-a-glance look at the month's appointments and events. I am a fan of making life easier for myself and although I simply adore what other people are able to create graphically, I would prefer to not have to recreate the wheel (or calendar) each month.  I think many other busy moms are in the same situation... trying to take extra time out frequently to draw calendars is just something I am not willing to invest the time in. Besides, I think this is one of the things that felt overwhelming to me about creating a bullet journal...it's labor intensive, so I took it off my to-do list and found a pre-printed calendar where all I had to do was fill the dates in.
• A weekly calendar...again, pre-printed.
• A notepad to take notes on whenever I need to...especially for handling all of the tasks involved in caring for Miracle Man...phone calls to doctors, questions to ask any of the professionals involved in his growth, education, and care.
• Pockets for storing receipts, papers, supplies for my journaling
• Rings and a hole puncher...this was particularly important to me because I wanted to be able to create my own bullet journal printables and be able to put them into the journal easily. I also wanted to be able to hole punch any piece of paper that I wanted to keep track of and put that in my binder.  It was important to me to be able to move papers around, as well.
• Large enough to keep tons of notes!!!  I wanted to be able to put all of my to-do lists, shopping lists, schedules, calendars, all in one place.
• Meal planner--I have only used this a couple of times so far, but I do intend to use it more frequently as I get into more of a habit of tracking everything!
• Inserts for putting pictures in.
• Dividers so I didn't have to make my own for all categories

It took a few weeks to finally track down the perfect journal/planner.  And, really, it wasn't perfect as-is. But I am super happy with my choice. I did have to purchase additional supplies in order to customize the planner to my specifications, but I finally feel like it has everything I need. 

Here is the planner I purchased and the hole puncher that goes with it:

So, in the end, I had decided to go with more of a planner type of style, but I still wanted to incorporate the bullet journal ideas like the collections and lists, as well as the creative aspects.




How I Set Up My Journal
I consider my journal to be a hybrid journal because it's not set up exactly like a bullet journal, but it's definitely more than a planner. Many of the features that came with the planner are typical of the ones found in the creative planners you can purchase on the market.  I will show you some of the cool ones below, as well as some of the features I added to my planner to make it better suit my needs. So without further ado, here is how I set it up.

Keep in mind, that I only recently started this process, so I'm really a newbie and have a ways to go before I am utilizing more of the possibilities.

      Inside of Journal

Inside of Front Cover...Has Pockets For Papers

The first thing I see when I open up my planner is this plastic divider. I had it laying around the house from my old DayRunner that I used to use in graduate school. The pre-punched holes didn't quite fit in my new planner, so I had to hole-punch it to get it to work. Then I glued on these sticky notes so that they would be right in my journal, ready to use at a moments notice. I like that they are the first thing I see when I open up my binder because I can highlight my most important to-do tasks and shopping lists and see them immediately each time I open up my bullet journal. I found the sticky notes at Michael's, and I love them! The little flags in varying shades of turquoise I use to highlight specific pages that I need to keep track of in my journal. They are a little bit flimsy for the purpose I am using them for, so I will have to find something else to use in their place. But aren't they just adorable?!

The planner came with the month dividers and spreads, as well as the weekly spreads.  Each of the monthly dividers is made of a clear plastic and decorated with a floral design. As you can see, I added some of my own tabs.  I found these at Wal-Mart, in the office supplies section.  I like that they are colorful and can stick right to the page that I want them to. Here is what they look like up close:

In hindsight, I wish I had taken more time to write on these tabs and make them look prettier.  I think I was just feeling so incredibly overwhelmed at the time about setting up the whole planner that I kind of rushed through it.  Regardless of how lackluster they look, they work and so for now, I will just leave them be.

This customizable page is the first page of each new month.  It came with the planner. I like having a space to plan my goals for the month and writing down a favorite quote.  It helps keep me focused and mindful/intentional throughout the month. 

Here is the monthly spread that comes with the planner.  I love not having to create a monthly spread each month because just filling in the dates, appointments, events, etc., and highlighting important moments with my stamps is time-consuming enough for this busy Momma! Speaking of the stamps, I do plan on creating a Key so that I can be consistent with the meanings of each stamp and color, but I haven't had the time to do that yet. 

I love the blank spaces around the month where I can write some notes about what needs to be done or remembered during the month. Since we are only at the beginning of this month, there isn't that much scheduled yet.  But there will be! By the end of the month, there won't hardly be any space left on these pages!!

Next come the weekly spreads.  Again, I have to add in the dates (which I don't really mind, because I actually like that these weekly spreads are so flexible because they are not dated).  I try to add my appointments in the monthly and weekly spreads immediately.  Sometimes, though, I do have to remember to sit down and sync all of the calendars just to make sure I don't forget anything.  This is where I typically write my most important to-do's for each day.  I love how much space I have to write everything down!

At the end of each month, there is a note page.  It's really not enough room for me to take all of the notes that I need to on a regular basis, so I ended up adding a whole Notes section.  Above, you saw that one of the tabs that I added was this Notes section.  I couldn't find a notepad that was pre-punched for this brand and size planner.  But, in the clearance section of Michaels, I did find a notepad that coordinates with my planner.  I had to rip off each of the pages individually and hole punch them to put them in the binder.  I'm not entirely pleased with the notepad in the end, though, because it isn't just a straight notepad.  Each page is different and some of the pages have round, oval, square, or rectangle shaped spaces that are pre-labeled. They're mostly made for journaling.  I may use some of the pages to journal, but at the moment, I am really focused on note-taking, so they don't really work for me.  However, it does give me a space to write! I will be on the lookout for a replacement that suits my needs better. I'm also creating printable bujo pages that I can fit in my planner and if I don't find a notepad that works, I will just print out the one that I made on my computer (after I buy more ink for my printer, that is!!!).

Do either of these Zentangle drawings look familiar?!  I posted the pic on the left in this post. And the one on the right I posted on Twitter a while back.  Side note:  The butterfly is the adopted symbol of fibromyalgia sufferers (like me). Anyway, I slid them into some sheet protectors I purchased for the planner to use as dividers for different sections.  It's kind of nice to see my artwork daily, instead of having it in the drawing notebook, tucked away somewhere. The package of sheet protectors came with different sheet set-ups so that you can use them to put in photos of different sizes, notecards, business cards, etc.  There were several of each type included.  These sheet protectors weren't made by the same company as my bujo, so they didn't have the proper holes punched in them.  But, they were the right size to fit in my planner, so I just hole punched them! 

The next part of my planner is filled with my own sections.  I have my general notes section, a section for Miracle Man (to keep track of anything I need to for his care), and my Collections section.  I created an Index (similar to the typical bujo Index) for the Collections to help me keep track of them.  Then I added the collections that I made prior to having a bujo.  Gotta love that hole-puncher!!!  I also tore off the remaining blank pages of my sketch book and hole-punched them to add here for more collections.  I LOVE this section!!!!  This is where I do more of my journaling and creating. Below you can see some of the ones I have done so far.

After my personalized tabs, there are a few more tabs that came with the planner. There is a Family Life tab, where I can keep track of my family's activities, a Goals tab, where I can set goals and write up my plans for how to achieve those goals, and a Bucket List tab.  I love that these tabs are already created and set up with the lines and features that are very user-friendly. Here are some pics I took to give you an idea of what these tabs are like:

The last two sections I have in my planner so far are my fitness tracker (which I have to sheepishly admit that I haven't used just yet), and my meal tracker...with shopping list.  These are two tabs I really wanted in my planner, but which didn't come in the planner I purchased.  I could have created my own spreads by hand, but I think you can guess by now how I would feel about that!  I would rather put my creative time into super-fun collections! 

So anyway, I found these two trackers at Joann Fabric's, and like several of the other features I added, they weren't made by the same company as my planner. And as such, they did not have the correct holes. So, yup!  I hole-punched them!  I want to point out here, too, that many of these things that I added to my planner I had to purchase on the same day as when I got my planner so that I could match up the paper sizes. Of course, you could always just bring a set of measurements with you to the store if you didn't do it all in one day...but that would mean another trip to the store.   

     

Notice the blank pages?!?! I've gotta get my butt in gear!!

I have used this a few times, but not regularly yet.  Take a look below at my favorite feature of this section!!

Ohhhhh, yeah!!  That's right!  That is a scored and perforated tear-off-able shopping list!!  Yippeeee!!!  I heart it!! And did you happen to notice the pencil holder loop on the planner?!  Essential, in my opinion!!

Okay, so that's a wrap.  My planner/bujo is complete!  Well...almost!  I have some other ideas that I would like to add to it over time.  For the most part, though, I'm pretty pleased with it.  How'd I do as a newbie? Do any experienced bullet journalists/creative planners have any additional tips for me?

Yours in bujo obsession,

Marathon Momma

P.S.  My next post will be all about how I keep my fun supplies organized!!  It took me a few weeks to come up with the best system, but I've got it now!!   

Tastin' Broccoli: Parenting Tip for a Picky Eater

Parents of Picky Eaters Unite!
Do you have a picky eater?  Does he or she give you a difficult time during mealtime?  Would you like to try a new strategy to get them to try out new foods?  Maybe this parenting tip will help you like it has helped our family!  Keep reading to see how it helped us, then click on the link below for a free download of my Try New Foods chart!

My Picky Eater 
Miracle Man has had a difficult time with trying new foods pretty much since we started him on solid foods as a baby. He definitely has tExTuRe issues, and won't even put things up to his mouth that he thinks will feel or taste strange to him.  Over time, the foods he is willing to eat ebbs and flows.  Recently, though, he was not willing to eat much at all...even foods that he used to like a lot!  What was a momma to do??

Well, I sought out the help of the nutritionist at our pediatrician's office and she gave me a few tips, one of which is to put him on a multi-vitamin that includes magnesium in it because a lack of magnesium in the diet can actually lead to a lack of hunger.  (Hmmmm...weight loss tip for me?!?!?!) She also suggested that we talk with him about the colors and textures of the foods we are introducing to him.  And, like any parent of a picky eater can attest to, she recommended that we don't force him to eat anything.  She said we should not make a big deal out of what he eats.  So...that strategy may work for other children, but it is one I have used off and on over the years, and it never seems to work very well with Miracle Man.

The nutritionist gave me many other ideas, as well.  And, while I have implemented some of them, I haven't been able to implement all of her suggestions. I did recently come up with an idea that I thought I would give a try, though.  It sort of goes against some of her advice, in that it focuses more on what Miracle Man is willing to eat.  But it is actually working!  With our current successes, I thought I might share it with you in case anyone else is looking to try something new with their own picky eater. 

Try New Foods Chart

In my last post, I wrote about how I have just started a ticket system to encourage the kids to help out more around the house. Well, in conjunction with that ticket system, I created a "Try New Foods" chart! I created it in Microsoft Publisher, printed it out on colored cardstock, and then laminated it. Every time the kids try any new food, they get a smiley face on the chart.  Since it is laminated, I use a dry erase marker to draw on the smiley faces, complete with mohawks for Chub-Chub, and long hair with bows for Little Miss. In addition to the smiley face, I also give them a ticket toward the rewards system we just established. On Sundays, I erase the chart to start with a blank chart each week.   I wasn't sure exactly how motivating this would be, especially for Miracle Man, but it turns out that it works!!!  For Miracle Man, it does not work every time, or even every day, but he and the other two kiddles have been trying new foods a lot!

Since we started this chart, Miracle Man has tried raw broccoli, turkey hot dogs, salad (really just lettuce with ranch, but who cares!?), and raw red peppers, just to name a few.  He even had the raw broccoli twice!  This is such a major, major accomplishment for him!!  As for Little Miss and Chub-Chub, well, they are so motivated by the tickets that they are trying several new things each day even.  I do give them a smiley face and a ticket for each new item.  Originally, I was planning on introducing new foods just once per day and allowing only one ticket per day, but since the children have showed so much interest in being able to earn more tickets just by trying new things, I've decided that the important thing is that they are tasting new foods and exploring their taste buds willingly.  And that, to me, is worth as many tickets as they can earn!!

If you or anyone you know is dealing with a picky eater, you know the struggle.  It is real. And maybe some of the more traditional approaches will suffice for you.  But if they're not working, and you're at your wit's end, go ahead and give this chart/ticket thing a try!  What do you have to lose?  And you never know!  It may just work for you, too!  Feel free to share this article.  Click the link below for a free PDF download of my Try New Foods Chart! :)

Thanks for indulging me,
Marathon Momma

Want a free download of my Try New Foods Chart? Click Here!

Behavioral Specialist Through Family Support Services

In yesterday's post, I gave a very general overview of how the Medicaid Waiver Program works. There are many, many more details, but I doubt you want me to get into the nitty-gritty, eh? (No, I'm not Canadian...I just like to pretend to be every now and then!) Anyway, I found out today that we are looking to mail out our application in the middle of April sometime. So there is an end in sight! :)

Today I want to discuss something called Family Support Services.Family Support   Services are another avenue through which a family who has a child with disabilities can receive outside support. To receive Family Support Services (FSS), you do not need to have Medicaid or a Medicaid Waiver. I am still learning a lot about FSS, so by no means am I an expert on it. Basically what it is, though, is a program through which you can apply to different agencies for different things like emergency respite and some different material items that might be beneficial to your family to have in your home.  Now, you can get the material items through the Medicaid Waiver, as well, but if you don't qualify for Medicaid or a Medicaid Waiver, this is one more opportunity to seek out assistance. 

There are also programs funded by FSS that agencies run to help families such as ours with things like challenging behavior. I found out about the Behavior Support Program offered through our Medicaid Service Coordination agency.  With all of the challenging behaviors that I see at home, I knew this would be beneficial to us. Again, this is another waitlisted type of service. I was put on the waitlist forthe Behavior Support Program back in June, and we just finally started working with the behavioral specialist last week.

Typically, I guess the Behavioral Support Program works differently than we are receiving it at this time, however the professional who runs the program is pregnant and since her maternity leave would interrupt the flow of the normal program, they are offering me a different option that is a shorter length of time. With this option, I am being taught how to target specific behaviors and figure out the meaning behind them. For my education and therapy friends, you may know it as an Applied Behavior Analysis.

What it is, is a very scientific way of approaching the challenging behaviors we see from Miracle Man. Last week, the behavioral specialist and I met for three hours and she talked with me about Miracle Man's needs and explained to me how the program works. We also chose three specific behaviors to target during our seven-week session.

One of the behaviors I chose to focus on was Miracle Man's meltdowns. They can be very disruptive to the flow of the household. At times, they can continue for an entire evening (so 2 to 3 hours of non-stop screaming..sound like fun? Yeah, me neither.)  Another behavior that I chose to focus on is his destruction of property. He likes to cut, rip, tear, and destroy all sorts of things. He also likes to draw on anything...except paper. Lastly, I chose to address his issue of "improper elimination". Basically...he removes his diapers after they have been peed or pooped in. Sometimes he likes to play with his poop...those of you who are close to me may recall my favorite line "poopy is not play dough".  Recently, he has also decided to do a little something that I would like to call "squat and dump". He removed his diaper and went poop right in the middle of his bedroom floor...several times!! So, there is obviously a lot to work on in this area, as well. Now, when he does any of these targeted behaviors, they are not attention-seeking behaviors. They are meeting some other need within him, and that, folks, is what we are trying to figure out (and the purpose of doing this Applied Behavior Analysis).

Last week's "homework" for me after our first meeting with the behavior specialist was to track as many of these specific behaviors as I could. I had to fill out a chart where I briefly described what happened before the incident, what happened during the incident, and what happened after the incident. I also had to fill out a form called a Motivation Assessment Scale. This Scale essentially tries to break down the three target behaviors into what it is that he is getting out of doing them. For example, is it a sensory-based behavior, is he looking to "escape", is he seeking attention, or is there some tangible reason for it? We found that one of the behaviors is more tangible. And that was the meltdowns. He has a very difficult time transitioning between activities. In particular, transitioning between being asleep and being awake. So that would be considered a "tangible" reason behind the meltdown behavior.

This week, we met yesterday and discussed the results of last week's notetaking, as well as the plan for this coming week. I am actually quite excited to try this week's "homework"! We will be doing a Preference Assessment. This means that we will be looking at preferred items or activities, and preferred foods that Miracle Man seems to enjoy the most. I was surprised to learn what it actually meant to do this. I had assumed that meant that we would figure out what his favorite thing was and then use that every time to encourage better behavior. As I explain below, however, that is not quite how it works.

I will explain to you what we will be doing with the Preferred Foods Assessment before I explain the Preferred Items Assessment, because we all love and can understand food...am I right? So, a Preferred Foods Assessment, as you may have guessed, is geared towards figuring out what food, "reward", if you will, Miracle Man would be most motivated by, as well as which of his favorite treats are least motivating. I chose six different foods: mini marshmallows, M&Ms, Skittles, Reese's Pieces, Pringles, and Combos. The foods have to be something that he will like a lot, but they cannot be something that he eats routinely. I have to be able to withhold the food and only give it to him when he has cooperated fully. Now, Miracle Man's favorite food happens to be hummus. With pretzels.  But, if I withheld that until he cooperated fully, he would never eat! So the choices needed to be highly preferred, small, easy, and manageable "treats", rather than real foods that he already eats during meal times.

Later today, the behavioral specialist is actually coming to do the assessment with us because she is curious and interested in seeing how it goes. Also, she has not yet met Miracle Man, so this is a perfect opportunity for her to do so. What we will do is to sit down across from Miracle Man with all six food items on the side. I will pick up one mini marshmallow and one M&M and present them to him at the same time. I will tell him he can choose one. Whichever one he chooses first is the preferred treat. I will mark down on paper which treat he chose. Then I will take one M&M and one Reese's Pieces and present them to him to choose again. Having six different foods, we have to do this trial with all possible combinations in a systematic way. So next, I might take an M&M and a skittle and present both of them to him. Throughout this process, I will be keeping track of what treat he prefers each time in order to find out what he prefers the most. And then I will create a hierarchical list of the treats according to Miracle Man's preferences so that I can use them appropriately to reinforce good behavior. I cannot wait to see what treats he is most motivated by! It will be fun!

Now, the interesting part of this that the behavior specialist explained to me is that when I am trying to get him to cooperate with me throughout the week, I will offer him his least favorite treat as a reinforcement first. The goal behind this theory is to get him to cooperate fully--without needing his absolute favorite reward    every.single.time     he is asked to do something.

Now, the Tangible Item Preference Assessment is set up so that I choose six different things or activities that he likes to do--that are not things he uses all the time. It has to be something that I can remove (just like the treats), and only give to him as a reinforcer. So, his toy electronic smart phone that we use to get him to go on the bus in the morning (every morning) is not the best choice.

I chose stickers because he always goes into my craft drawers to take my stickers out...and put them all over our furniture. But perhaps, if he is earning stickers in a more controlled way, it will be highly motivating to him (and also safer for our furniture)??? That's my plan, anyway!  I also chose bubbles, because I thought it would be kind of fun to reward him with a quick bubble game or activity after behaving accordingly. Miracle Man loves music, so the next item I chose was allowing him to listen to his favorite song on my iPod. And for the fourth item, I chose to sing a song of his choice together. Typically, Miracle Man will stand in the middle of our kitchen and sing songs over and over...and over again. Sometimes, I sing with him, sometimes I don't. Sometimes he wants me to sing with them, other times he doesn't. But, if I offer it as a reward, maybe he would like to sing with me? We shall see! The fifth item I chose was for him to be able to choose a TV show that he could watch as a reward. And the sixth item was to be tickled. He loooooooves to be tickled, and I mean loooooooves it!  He often asks to be tickled! He is so adorable when he giggles!!

After we figure out his preferences for these items, we will then be able to start talking about plans for approaching his challenging behaviors...and tying in his preferred reinforcers. I am not sure yet exactly how that will look, but the behavioral specialist did explain that because Miracle Man understands "first, then" already, we will be using a lot of "first, then" approaches. For example, first he has to pick up his toys, then he can choose a TV show. Or, first he must eat his dinner, then he can have an M&M. 

Regardless of what preferences Miracle Man ends up having, this is going to be an exciting afternoon here!  It's like my own positive reinforcer!

Wishing you many positive reinforcers today,
Marathon Momma

State Services for Miracle Man

For about the past year I have been working on getting Miracle Man services through our state. He already receives services through the local channels, and attends a special education preschool program. He goes there every day for about 4 1/2 hours. While he is there, he receives many different therapies daily and throughout each week. Those therapies are all geared towards helping him grow socially, cognitively, and physically.

At the state level, there are programs out there that can assist him in ways that are above and beyond the scope of the educational program. One of the ways our state helps families who have children with disabilities is a Medicaid Service Program. I am not sure how it works in other states, only how I am experiencing it in my state.

In any case, through the Medicaid Service Program, children with disabilities whose families are at a certain income level can receive the state services and programs.  If you do not meet income eligibility, however, there is another option in order to receive services for your child at the state level. This is called a Medicaid Waiver Program. To receive any kind of service through this avenue, you first have to apply for the Medicaid Waiver.

I started this process in the spring time of last year. It is quite a lengthy process, but once we get through it and can start receiving services, it will totally be worth it! So the first thing you need to do in my state is go through a "front door" program. When I did this, it was before they implemented new regulations. I got in just in the nick of time. From what I hear, it is quite cumbersome now. In any case, for me the "front door" program consisted of meeting with somebody from the Office for People with Developmental Disabilities (OPWDD). At the meeting, the gentleman that I spoke with gave me paperwork and outlined for me a basic idea of what the program can do. After that, I was sent on my merry way to start contacting agencies that provide Medicaid Services and get a Medicaid Service Coordinator.

The Medicaid Service Coordinator does 90% of the paperwork, with my assistance. Sometimes acquiring a Medicaid Service Coordinator is challenging, especially for the younger children. I called around to several agencies and asked to have a Medicaid Service Coordinator, but many of them didn't have any availability. At the agency that I'm with now, I was actually put on a waiting list initially.

Every time you contact an agency to acquire a Medicaid Service Coordinator, the intake person gathers information about your child to see if their agency can support your child and service her or him properly. So for each agency I called, it meant that I would be spending at least an hour on the phone talking with the intake person explaining Miracle Man's complete social and medical history. And at the agencies where I went a little bit further, I then had to repeat the entire same story with another person.  I spent quite a bit of time on the phone in the summer and then again in the fall. 

In the end, the agency we were waitlisted at was really the best fit our family.  Luckily, by the time I had done some of the legwork with the other agencies, our agency had an opening for us. And, for those of you in the "know", I never actually got as far as the start of the application with any of the other agencies.  It was just a lot of bureaucratic red tape.
 

So all of these things take time, and several months later, in the middle of the fall, I was assigned a Medicaid Service Coordinator who would help me get the Medicaid Waiver application completed and sent out to the state. I've been working with this lovely woman for the past several months. She fills out all of the paperwork, but we meet several times for several hours each time...going over history, medical needs, social needs, everything that has to do with our little guy. Then she goes back to her office and fills out all of the paperwork.  She then contacts me with changes that need to be made, or questions that she has. I believe that we are nearing the end of the application process, and then we will be sending it in and waiting to hear back from the state.

Once the application is approved, it will still take some time before we can start receiving some of the services that we are seeking to meet Miracle Man's needs. I can't wait until that happens! One of the things that we will receive is some respite. But, it is going to be several more months before all of that can take place. I will explain how respite works in another post.

For now, though, I am in pain, and completely exhausted, so it's off to bed for me. It was a long, very challenging day. Good night all!

Wishing you wonderful dreams,

Marathon Momma

The Sound of Silence

A rough several months have gone by without a post from me. I think I should probably explain why I don't write very often. You see, I have always hated complaining. For me, it's kind of like that saying, "If you don't have something nice to say, then don't say anything at all." While I do know that saying is not intended for this purpose, it still feels appropriate to me. When I'm having a flareup or things are really difficult and there are many challenging things happening, I don't want to keep writing about the negatives and how difficult things are.  So I usually try to write posts that are upbeat or uplifting in someway. Even if it was a difficult time, I try to find the positive in the situation or else I will try to write about something that I think is humorous. So when you don't hear from me for a while, it usually means that I'm not doing too well, and I'm having a difficult time finding something positive to write about.

The truth is, though, the last couple of months have been extremely difficult. Things of been crazy with Miracle Man, Little Miss, Chub Chub, and myself.

Miracle man is doing well in school in a lot of ways. He has made huge gains in several areas, especially with his speech. But we are still struggling with a lot of things as well. The good news is we are finally getting a chance to go to the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit at the local hospital. This is something that we have wanted to do for at least a year, and now we finally get to go.

The major catalyst for this opportunity is that Miracle Man had an episode while he was at school recently. He was sitting down at the table and the teacher's assistant was talking to him, but he wasn't responding. When she looked at him, his eyes were rolling into the back of his head. Next thing she knew, he had fallen off his chair and bumped his chin. This was the first type of seizure that we have seen where he didn't hit his head hard before having one. So, on the one hand, it's scarier and more frustrating that he had one without bumping his head first. But on the other hand, now we get to finally go to the Epilepsy Monitoring Unit and hopefully get at least one diagnosis. He is 3 and a half years old and he still does not have any diagnosis other than developmental delay, even though every one of his doctors believes he has several things going on. Having at least one diagnosis would be great!

We will be doing this in a few months. I do not have the appointment scheduled yet. I have to wait for them to call me. But, when we do get to go, this is how it works: I will take Miracle Man to the hospital and he and I will camp out there in the room. The entire time we are there, he will be hooked up to electrodes to run a long-term EEG. We will stay there for up to as long as a week. Hopefully we will get some concrete data to prove that he is having seizures during that week.

I am really glad that this whole experience will be in a month or two, and not right now. For those of you who don't know me well, or don't follow me on Facebook, my daughter was just in the hospital for a week. She had a pretty severe kidney infection. We are extremely grateful that she has healed well and is doing much better. She has to go to the urologist next week to have some testing done, and we are hoping that everything comes back normal.

In any case, it was a terribly difficult time on our family while she was in the hospital. It will be much easier the next time I am at the hospital with one of our children for a lengthy time because this time it will be planned. We will know far in advance that I will not be around at home to help out with all of the other kids and pets!

All of the stress and extra work over the past several months has really taken a toll on me. My body is barely making it through each day. I am extremely fatigued at this point. In fact, This week I have been struggling with getting out of bed pretty much at all. One morning, Prince Charming had to get everybody out the door without any of my help.  I simply couldn't get out of bed.

And my pain level has been high as well. Everything hurts. My legs, my ankles, my feet, my hips, my back, my arms, my shoulders, my hands, everything.

When I was in graduate school, I had developed carpal tunnel syndrome. I had to wear braces on my wrists for quite some time. But once I was out of school, everything resolved on it's own. I wasn't typing like a fiend anymore, so my wriss and forearms were able to relax. I haven't had this in a very long time. It's been about 15 years, actually. But, now it seems to be back with a vengeance. My wrists and forearms are so bad right now, I'm having trouble holding anything even as heavy as my phone. I am also having trouble writing, twisting knobs, grabbing at things, and of course typing. This entire post has been dictated so that I wouldn't have to type. Buckling car seats are a particular challenge for me. I try to not have to go anywhere if it means I will have to buckle the boys into their car seats. It is really annoying, quite frankly.

So there's a little snippet of the difficulties, but I do have another positive! Over the last few weeks, I have found a whole community of people out there online who are suffering through fibromyalgia, just like me. I am making friends and connections through Facebook and other social media outlets. This has been extremely helpful to me. Knowing that I am not alone is just  huge. And reading my very own thoughts in other people's Facebook posts has been affirming. I cannot believe I didn't search for these forums before. But, I am extremely grateful that I have them now! And, by opening up to people, I have learned that there are people that I actually know who have this illness as well. I am looking forward to learning a lot from people who have been going through it longer than I have.

That's all for today. No more energy, no more time. I hope you're all having a good week! 😉

Hyperventilating

As is typical, I was in the kitchen this morning getting Little Miss ready for school. Prince Charming was upstairs getting dressed. The boys were watching TV in the living room with our neighbor's son. He had come up to catch the bus with our Little Miss, who was in the kitchen with me at the time. The TV was on in the living room, and it was just loud enough that other noises in the house were drowned out. 

While I was signing Little Miss's agenda for the day, Prince Charming came downstairs and into the kitchen. When he asked me where our little devils were, I responded that I believed they were in the living room watching TV with our neighbor.  When he immediately started calling out for Miracle Man and Chub-Chub, I knew they were no longer entranced by the television. So where were they? And WHICH cereal box had they dumped now?? 

Our calls to them were met with no reply, and we suddenly realized that they probably had escaped to the greater outdoors. Prince Charming rushed outside screaming for them. But still there was no response. I continued to check indoors, but the house was waaay  too quiet, so I, too, rushed outside. 

Outside, Prince Charming continued to call for the boys and finally found Chub-Chub, who popped into view at the bottom of our driveway. He stood there, dumbfounded while Prince Charming asked him where Miracle Man was. However, Chub-Chub didn't respond and Miracle Man was nowhere to be found. 

Naturally, PaNiC coursed through my body as I shouted directions to Little Miss and her friend. We all split off in separate directions, running all over the front and the backyards, SCREAMING for Miracle Man. 

I headed to the backyard slipping and falling down the hill en route, but I didn't see him anywhere. Not on our play set. Not by the mud that he frequently trapses through (despite my begs and pleas to steer clear of it). He wasn't on the hill by the porch. He wasn't by the fire pit. Where WAS he?????????

I ran up the hill in our backyard to the bottom of the driveway. I couldn't see him anywhere. I stood there in my own private hell looking down at our yard and the surrounding woods and lawns, the panic rising up in me. He could be anywhere...In the woods, wandering any neighbor's yard...he could have gone onto the road. I had no idea where to look next.    My baby was    missing.

As I was hyperventilating, I thought to myself where would Miracle Man go? If I were him, where would I be? What are his favorite places to go to outside? 

And then it hit me. There is a path through the woods that we and our neighbors had cleared between our two houses this past spring. He always likes to go down the path to go visit their house. He Loves  them.  And I frequently have to chase after him down the path to keep him in our yard. Sometimes he has even made it down to their house before I've caught up with him!

I raced down the hill, screaming his name. But I heard nothing. I was thinking of all of the possibilities. He could be in their yard, in their breezeway, on their front yard, or...on the road on that side of the neighborhood.  

The same road where this lovely family, who have now become part of our family, had lost their beloved puppy this summer to a car racing up their hill. A very tragic end to a sweet dog. A terrible day etched in my mind forever. The day that my daughter, having spent the night at their house, came home shrieking about the accident. The day that I ran down to find my friends distraught while they looked on as their best friend struggled to breathe, bleeding on the driveway. The day I helped lift her into the car and drove my friend and her cherished pup to the animal hospital to try to save her. The day that we cried and sobbed together because of someone else's careless mistake. A driver going too fast in a neighborhood filled with children and pets. The day that can never be done over. This is what flashes through my mind as I head to the path, praying to find my boy there, and not  in the road.

As I reached the beginning of the path, I didn't see him. And my heart sank. Oh my god. How will I ever find him? 

But I had been gazing straight ahead with my eyes focused on their house. And just then, I scanned slightly downward to where my little boy was. His shirt blending in with the leaves, not a sound did he make. He was just standing there. Not a care in the world. Looking at me like, "what's going on?" My little man who is always in his own world. He had no idea how worried we were. And he was completely unaware that we were looking for him. He never responded to his name, never made a sound. 

As relief streaked through my body, I scooped him up and held him tight. My baby. He was okay. He was safe. Right there on the path. 

I screamed to everybody else, "I have him! I found him!" Cradling him like a baby, I raced up the hill to Prince Charming and Little Miss. As my spastic cries started choking out, the bus arrived to take Little Miss and her friend to school. 

The look on her face as she rushed off to her bus with her friends wrenched my heart. She hadn't yet come down from the panic. And now she was headed off to school. Thank goodness teachers are so caring and loving. For I know that her teacher will comfort her and ease her mind just like I would have, had we had another moment with her before school.

I think I lost a few years off my life today. But I'm so very thankful that Miracle Man and Chub-Chub are alright; and that we have a happy ending to our story. 

I guess door alarms don't work too well on storm doors when the front door is open to watch for the bus!

Thanks for reading,

A Much Older Marathon Momma

Stickers for Dinner

It was a regular old evening here in our house tonight.  The kids were running around screaming and demanding snacks while I was making" dinner". Then Miracle Man came up to me, holding a big brown nugget of poop, at which point Chub-Chub saw the poop and decided he needed to use the potty...as in RIGHT NOW! In between the stirring of the would-be dinner of microwaved eggs, the potty assisting, butt wiping, diaper changing, and washing hands eight times, the phone was ringing. And of course it was a call I had to take. 

When the phone call was finished, the boys' bowels were empty, the diapers were back on, and the hands were cleaned of any fecal matter (eeeewwwww...gross!!), we finally sat down to eat.  Chub-Chub began gobbling up his portion right away, hungry and happy to be eating.  Little Miss decided she didn't want to.even.try.the.gross.eggs.  (To which I politely  responded that she will eat them now or go to bed hungry).  And Miracle Man nibbled one bite, lost complete interest, and began throwing the eggs on the floor.  Yeah, I'd say pretty much a typical evening.

Sitting next to Miracle Man, I attempted the usual spoon-feeding, which of course didn't work.  He was having absolutely no part in eating those eggs, refusing to even open his mouth.  I tried something new, though.  I said to all three kids (of course it was mostly directed at Little Miss and Miracle Man---although I knew he wouldn't "get it", so essentially it was a challenge to Little Miss), "Whoever eats their eggs first gets a prize!"

Well, Little Miss embraced the challenge and practically sucked the eggs up like a vacuum! (That's my favorite appliance, remember?)  As soon as her last morsel was devoured, she immediately requested her prize and I sent her to the prize drawer.  She returned to her seat with a page of stickers...something that instantly  caught the attention of Miracle Man, who looooovvveeesssss stickers!  And then it hit me...that epiphany that I needed right at that moment: 

"Miracle Man, would you like a sticker?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, if you eat your eggs, you can have a sticker!"
"Yeah."

I spooned the eggs into his mouth.  And the little stinker ATE them!!! I had to keep promising the sticker for each bite, but I was able to feed him quite a bit of what was on his plate!  It was a huge breakthrough!

It may be only a temporary solution.  But it may not be.  Either way, I will take it!  And if it does work over the long-haul, we will be stocking up on stickers!!!

Relieved at the moment,

Marathon Momma

Momma Bear and The Sensory Kid

Miracle Man has always had sensitivities and "quirks". For instance, the textures and temperatures of foods affect whether or not he will eat them.  He refuses to eat chunky or chewy foods, but likes softer textures.  So, I can get him to eat hummus and guacamole (I know, right?!?!), but I have a hard time getting him to eat avocados, beans, or apples.  He will eat smooth yogurt (even plain greek), but if it has real fruit in it, he won't even let it get past his lips.  If one smidgen of chunky food gets in his mouth, he spits it.  Right. Back. Out.

When he was much younger, I could not vacuum the living room or turn on any appliance that sounded anywhere near  as loud as a vacuum.  If I did, he would start shrieking and screaming his head off. It scared him to death! So I used to vacuum around his sleeping schedule. Luckily, most of the time...if he was sound  asleep...he would continue snoring away and I  would be able to get the crumbs and dog hair off the floor.

It could get tricky, though, on days when I needed to vacuum several times throughout the day...instead of only  during naptime. You see, we had this rug that seemed to magnetically or cosmically attract every.single.speck  of dust in the entire  house, plus the neighbor's house. Tragically, it used to need to be vacuumed sometimes up to three times a day! With Miracle Man's sensitivities, if I needed to vacuum while he was awake, I felt like I was      tOrTuRiNg      him.  He would scream and cry hysterically, and it was extremely difficult to soothe him. Typically, when he was upset like that, he wouldn't calm down for at least an hour.  So, as a busy mom already strapped for time, sometimes I had to choose between keeping the rug clean of debris and the meltdowns that ensued, or letting go of the mess and keeping Miracle Man feeling "safe".

As the vacuum-phobia-screaming thing continued, it also escalated.  There came a point that whenever Miracle Man even saw  the scary-loud-sucking-up-apparatus, he would fffrrrreeeeeaaaaakkkkkk out...before I even turned it on!! We needed to find a solution so that I could vacuum with Miracle Man around.

So, with the help of his therapists, we tried to desensitize him to the sights and sounds of this machine that I , for one , am in complete awe of.  I must digress here for a moment because this is a topic that I think about all.the.time...I absolutely love vacuuming!  Well, not the actual lugging around, sweating, hard work part of it.  But, I am always fascinated by how AMAZING that invention is!  I mean, whoever came up with that thing is like my BFF for life!  I marvel at its awesomeness whenever I plug it in and begin sucking up dust, cheerios, powdered sugar, cat fur, cat puke, crazy loom bands.  Ooooo!  I love ,  and I mean LOVE vacuuming up those !  It gives me this twisted sense of satisfaction to just...zooooppp them up!  Gone!  No longer all over the floor!  Hehehehe!  (insert evil grin here)  You simply cannot deny that the vacuum is totally AWESOME! 

Anyway, back on topic...so to desensitize Miracle Man, we would have him in one room with the therapist and me in another room with the vacuum.  We would start by telling him that I was going to turn the vacuum on and then gradually bring him closer to me.  Each time a therapist was here, we would work on this, getting closer and closer to me, and then finally bringing him into the room where the vacuum was. In the beginning, we also would cover his ears when necessary. Over time, we would have successes, and then failures. But for the most part, the desensitizing worked. I was once  again  able to turn on my fav machine and go to town on those dust bunnies, dried up pieces of scrambled eggs, bits of pizza crust, Lego pieces (sacrilegious, I know), you name it!

We were so successful, in fact, that for quite a while now, Miracle Man has been able to handle the sounds of things like the vacuum or the blender like a champ, especially if I preset him (tell him ahead of time that I'm turning it on). I usually also preface it with a countdown of three so that he knows exactly when the noise will begin.  But our success was so profound, I could even vacuum right.next.to.him! 

Over the past month and a half, though, he is having a tougher time with his sensory processing. He is back to screaming and shrieking when the vacuum is on.  And it seems like every day, Miracle Man is having a harder time with noises. He has begun covering his ears for every loud sound he can hear, like the garbage truck going by while he is outside.  And while he is covering his ears, he is telling us, "Loud.  Loud.  Loud." 

Too, we just got a door alarm for the house because we're worried about the kiddles finally escaping to find a better set of parents. Naturally, whenever the alarm goes off, Miracle Man covers his ears and says, "Horn. Horn. Horn." It takes him several minutes after the "horn" is done before he stops covering his ears and he can move past the disturbance. His hearing (or his processing of what he hears) has gotten incredibly sensitive! 

On Father's Day weekend, we tried bringing the whole family to the fireworks.  Big Mistake.  Big. Although we had anticipated some  anxiety, we weren't completely prepared for his reaction.  He shrieked and screamed so badly that it was clear to us he was being Harmed.  We kept trying to move away from the blasts of beauty to find a better place to be; a place where he couldn't see the lights.  We ducked behind a tractor trailer next to the midway of the town fair we were at.  He continued to scream, and he looked...Terrified!  We covered his ears and moved still further back. Now, you should know that when Miracle Man has a seizure, his eyes get all funny-looking and his pupils dilate.  His eyes just look so...different . It makes him look like a different child. Well, at the fireworks that night, he started to get "that look" all over his eyes. We were very nervous, and he was so distraught, that we ended up heading to the car.

Safely inside the car, the booms and bangs were muffled, and the lights were hidden from view.  Miracle Man began to settle down a bit, but he was still fretting.  It was very scary to see him like that. And even though I had anticipated him having a hard time, I didn't expect him to freak out quite so badly.  My nerves were shot.  Momma Bear had had that fight or flight reflex.  It took a long time for the adrenaline coursing through my body to subside.  I have since decided that we need to get him a pair of those sound-deafening ear muffs.  We will probably also use sunglasses when there is so much visual stimuli in the future, as well.  But, man!  Times they are a changing for our family!

So, the next day, we were headed to a car show and Prince Charming wanted to wash our car before going there. We brought it into one of those automated car washes, and within seconds, Miracle Man was having the same expression on his face and that same shrieking-screaming-I'm-terrified reaction. It was so bad that I had to get out of my seat and climb into the back seat with him where I could cover his eyes and his ears to block all of the sensory stimulation. Again, he had that same "look" in his eyes that he gets during a seizure.  And again, there was a very worried momma.  Naturally, once we exited the car wash, he calmed down.  It took quite a bit longer than that for his momma to calm down~especially since it was the second day in a row! ;)

It seems these episodes are becoming more and more frequent.  For example, we recently went out to an old-time ice cream shop. There was a painfully long wait with the kiddles, and then it was finally our turn to be seated.  The waitress brought us over to our table and above our table was a fan. The way the fan was positioned, it broke up the light on the table that was coming from the lamp next to the fan. This setup created a strobe light effect and, once again, Miracle Man started to "freak out".  I thought he might have a seizure.  Luckily, I spoke with the couple who had been seated next to us at the same time.  I briefly explained the situation and they had no problem at all changing tables with us. We were very  grateful  to them!  We were able to sit and relax a while. And we definitely enjoyed our marvel-licious ice creams from the safety of our new booth!

Now, it's not just his hearing that has become super-sensitive.  So has his sight.  The lights in our house that didn't use to bother him at all, for instance, suddenly do. One morning we laid him down on the living room floor to change his diaper, and the light overhead was bugging him.  He was starting to get upset to the point where we had to turn off the light to complete the diaper exchange.  There have been several other "insignificant" moments where Miracle Man has reacted to lights lately. But none of them interesting enough to continue this paragraph. So this paragraph is done.  The End.  (I feel like a second grader. Lol)

I have always felt like I've been on hyper alert with Miracle Man. But lately, it seems like I have to be much more aware of sounds and lights and things that could upset him. That also means that bringing him to things like the movies is not likely to happen anytime in the near future. As I said earlier, I will probably be getting the noise-deafening ear muffs sometime soon, but in the meantime, I have to be very vigilant about what he is exposed to that might set him into a panic.  I am also anxiously awaiting a return phone call from his neurologist to see if he has any more input for us.  Until then, I am Momma Bear and I wait in the forest...watching from afar (but not too far), allowing him to navigate his world with some independence, but ready to attack those lights and sounds at a moment's notice!  RoAr! 

Yours from the Forest of Mommyhood,

Marathon Momma

Paperwork and Other Things

If you don't want to read my wallowing in self-pity, then skip over this post.  Because the reality is that today is a bad day.  Actually, if I am being honest, it has been a difficult several months.  I am constantly overwhelmed and exhausted.  There never seems to be much of a break from the stress.  Being a mom of a child with special needs is far more tiring than I would have ever expected.  It is all-encompassing, from the physical to the mental to the emotional.  And that doesn't even take into account my other two lovely cherubs.  And, unfortunately, I am not super human.  I do not have the time, strength, and energy all  the  time  to do  everything that needs to be done for Miracle Man, immediately when it is required.  I try to do my best each day and tackle several different tasks beyond the daily cooking, cleaning, caring for the children.  But I am only human.  And there are only so many hours in a day.  And I only have so much strength and energy.

Miracle Man has been going through a lot of medical testing.  Too much to blog about individually.  I just don't have the time to go back and write up quirky or sentimental posts about each of his experiences over the past few months.  So I have decided that I am not going to try.  This time in our lives is just too crazy busy.

In addition to all of the medical testing (still hoping for the answers that are difficult to come by), we just recently made the transition from Early Intervention to Preschool Special Education.  I have to say that I am in shock at how involved it is to transition, and how many stacks of paperwork have to be completed.  And, although he began in his new preschool program yesterday, there is STILL more paperwork to fill out.  There is so much, I actually have to ration it out over the course of this coming week just to accomplish it.  And I am the only person who can do it.  But what if I don't want to fill out ANOTHER social history????  This is the third one in less than a month.  And social histories are about a gazillion pages long...and they are not fill-in-the-blanks or multiple choice questions, people.  They are essays.  Pages and pages of essays. To tell everyone in the entire universe EVERYTHING there is to know about my sweet little guy.  All of his medical history.  All of the goals we wish to accomplish.  All of our concerns about him (that one is an enormous list).  All of his likes/dislikes/relationships/reactions to stimuli/waking times/sleep times/eye blinking times.  Okay, so that last one is a bit of an exaggeration.  But, really, that is how it feels.  And to have to write it all over and over is "over" whelming.  Naturally, I do it.  And I complete it carefully and thoroughly.  But I wonder why they can't just make it easier on parents of special needs kids. Parents who are already physically, mentally, and emotionally drained.  Parents who are strapped for time, but still want the best for their child.  You know, like why isn't there just one universal social history form that gets copied and passed around to each school and agency????  I don't know.  Maybe I am just too intelligent for the system?  Haha.

Mountains of paperwork.  Always.  That's the stage we are in.  As if the transition paperwork weren't enough, we recently received a provisional qualification of disability from the state.  Which means...guess what?!?!  More paperwork.  Yup.  I could swim in a sea of paperwork and tasks right now.  Just for Miracle Man.  It is fabulous that we received this letter of qualification.  Truly it is.  It will help us access many different programs that are intended to make our lives somewhat easier.  But there's the whole "red tape" thing that gets in the way a bit.  Calling programs, filling out applications, researching the resources.  It.is.all.too.much.  I need a secretary.  Heck, I need two secretaries!  And it really is no joke.  I am actually holding off on looking into all of those programs until the preschool transition is completed and the last bit of paperwork is handed in and off  my desk!

And then there is the emotional toll of transitioning to preschool.  Spending a year, or two years, or more working with therapists who come into your home to help and love your child is wonderful.  It is a connection that you make that feels like family.  The therapists help you and your child with their whole  being .  And you come to rely on their expertise in making decisions for your child.  But more importantly, you begin to rely on their friendship and the sense that you are "in this together".  And then, 2 years later, your child transitions to preschool, and BAM!  No more.  The connections, the extended "family" you have made together are severed.  Maybe not so drastically or completely (gotta love Facebook for that).  But still.  It will not be the same.  It is unnerving.  It is sad.  It is hard.

Aside from Miracle Man's Mount Everest of paperwork, I have just enrolled Chub-Chub in a nursery school program for two days a week.  This means even more  paperwork.  Having Chub-Chub attend nursery school will be so great for him.  He will get to play with other children.  He will learn.  He will experience new things and new people.  And he will be at Miracle Man's school, too!  They are in separate programs and classrooms, but they will get to see each other on the playground, which is something I am very pleased about.  Yesterday, I was told that Chub-Chub went right over to Miracle Man and gave him a hug and rubbed his head.  So sweet!   Of course, we are currently going through a very rough bout of separation anxiety on Chub-Chub's part.  And yesterday's drop-off at nursery school was no walk in the park.  It was more like a frantic sprint in a dark alley with a gang of thugs following closely behind.  But, Chub-Chub being in school will help me out.  I will eventually get a much-needed break from my lovely kiddles, once everyone settles in and I have crossed all t's and dotted all i's.  And maybe I will even find some "me" time.  For now, though, it's a transition.  And more...paperwork.

Then there is me.  Somehow I fit into this equation, too, right?!  And right now I am going through some very difficult decisions and transitions.  My health has taken a turn for the worse.  I struggle daily with the pain and the fatigue of fibro, but lately, because of where my pain is and the intensity of it, my doc believes that my scleroderma may be progressing.  She also gave me the results of my most recent pulmonary function test and there is decreased functioning in my lungs.  She is tweaking my meds and therapies and we are hoping for the best.  But she is also keeping me out of work longer.  For at least a year.  And I am struggling with coming to grips with that.  I don't know when or if I will be able to go back to work.  I miss it terribly.  I miss the students.  I miss having my own group of sweet children to educate and nurture.  I miss studying fun topics with the kids, and going into more depth because they are fascinated by what we are learning about.  I miss being silly and having fun with the children.  I miss my colleagues.  I miss being part of the building; the camaraderie, the support.  And now I have also been told that my job has been moved to a different building.  Which means that I will most likely never again work with the people I knew and cared about.  And I will have to clean out my classroom.  It feels final.  Even if it isn't.  It feels  that way.  All of the hard work and effort I put into my education and my classroom has to continue to be put on hold.  And that is very sad.  And scary.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  And I can sort of see it up ahead in the distance.  But the tunnel is dark. And long.  And I am crawling through it.  One knee at a time.  Right now, I am feeling very emotional and fragile.  And I am relying on anybody and everybody who offers kind words or actions of support.  It is what feeds my soul and helps me keep going, even if just for another minute.  Respectfully, I am not looking for any advice on how to handle any of this, no matter how well-intentioned it is.  I can and will  figure it all out.  I just needed to vent...and I did warn you ahead of time.  I am having a low point and it is a bad day. :(

Sorry to be a downer,

Marathon Momma