This is how I am feeling today. I haven’t been sleeping well this week. My #glucose numbers aren’t so great even though I am working super hard on controlling them with my diet. And I’ve been so alone throughout my whole pregnancy (well, with the exception of my three screaming meemies 😜). It’s very hard. I am having a difficult time getting excited about this baby. I know that in the end, I will love and adore her just as much as my other three. But with everything I’ve been going through, alone, it’s just.so.hard. Of course I know how this makes me sound. And I know how desperate other women are to have children, so there is enormous guilt associated with my admission and my feelings. And I really do believe she is a gift. I’m just being real. This is where I am at. Alone. Frightened. Worried. Sad. Angry. Exhausted. #truth #pregnancy #pregnant #advancedmaternalage #pregnantat41 #gestationaldiabetes #emotional #chronicandpregnant #fibroandpregnant #chronicillness #fibromyalgia #scleroderma #ibs #fml #depression #anxiety #blogpost #momlife #momoffour #canirunaway #wouldanyonemissme

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Hidden Secrets: Surviving a Dysfunctional Childhood The Early YearsPart 1

Life is Not Perfect
Life doesn't always wrap up in one neat little package.  We all know this.  Yet we strive for the perfect experience.  We want our marriages and friendships to be full of love, compassion, honesty...and fun.  We want our children to be wonderful little angels with a desire to please everyone (well, at least their parents, anyway), and a willingness to engage with and explore the world around them. We want our homes to be clean and neat, nothing out of order.  We want our cars shiny and new, running consistently and efficiently.  Heck!  We even want our dogs to play fetch or lay around and snuggle with us on our own time frame, no barking included.

But all of this perfection is not possible.  And if it were, our world would actually be quite boring.  Life is all about struggles that help make us stronger; challenges that teach us new things. 

As a young girl and eventually young lady, I had fully believed that when I became an adult, I could MAKE my life perfect like this.  Of course, having experienced many events in my adult life that I did not have control over, either, I have realized that this is an illusion; being able to MAKE life perfect. But it was an illusion I needed to believe in order to survive my childhood--a childhood marred with emotional and mental abuse, violence, fear, and uncertainty/insecurity.

I used to be embarrassed about my past.  I used to hide it from others because I was ashamed.  But I didn't have control over what happened when I was a child.  It was out of my hands. It was none of my doing.  I am a product of the choices other people made.  But I have always strongly believed that, no matter your early life circumstances, you have a choice in what you become.  You can choose to overcome your past.  Or you can choose to wallow in self-pity, head down a self-destructive path and do nothing with your life. It's up to you!

Over the next several posts, I will be sharing with you some of my imperfect past, with the hope that other people will learn that it's okay to talk about your childhood, regardless of how messed up or embarrassing it might seem.  You did not have control over how you were raised. And you are definitely not alone. There are so many other people that have lived experiences like yours, too.  And the power that comes from sharing those experiences is immense...Self-Empowerment Overload!  Without any further ado, here's what it was like to grow up...as me.

Violence in My Early Years
While I was growing up, my family faced challenges that most families never face.  Before I was five years old, I had already lived in several different homes and towns.  My biological father and my mother had separated and I clearly remember some scary moments from those early years. 

I can remember at one point, as a 3 or 4 year old, hearing my mother shrieking while I was upstairs.  My brother and I had raced down the stairs, crept into the kitchen and saw my father looming over my mother with her arm behind her back.  It was violent.  And it was frightening.  My mother has claimed that my father had been trying to break her arm.  My brother seems to remember my mother had a knife and my father was trying to get it away from her.  To this day I still do not know or understand the truth behind that event, only that it haunts the darkest recesses of my memory. 

At one point, probably after or somewhere around that time, my parents split up and my father had visitation rights.  One of the times I was supposed to go with him, I can remember that I was crying and afraid.  I did not want to go.  I'm not sure what my reasoning was at the time, but I did NOT want to go with him.  Was I scared of him?  Did I just want to stay home with my mother?  I don't remember what actually ended up happening that particular day...if I went or not.  But I do remember going on one visitation to his apartment.  I even remember the TV being on, and at one point, listening to Rick Springfield's "Jesse's Girl" on the radio.  It's funny because with what had transpired next, you might think that I would associate that song with negative emotions, but I still freaking LOVE that song!  I mean, who doesn't?!

Anyway, an adult's memory of an event that occurred under the age of 5 can be blurry.  But I will tell you, I clearly remember that we were supposed to go home.  He was supposed to take us.  But he didn't.  He told us that if my mother really wanted us back, she could come get us herself.  Well, she did just that. But she had to call upon the police to make sure she could get us back.  When they came to the apartment to get us out, it was terrifying.  My brother, sister, and I were ducking down, hiding behind the one side of the bed and I remember being afraid of getting shot by the police (I must've been some kind of big, bad criminal in those days of barely being able to reach the counter!). Of course, nothing like that happened.  But it DOES happen to other children in other families. Luckily, just not to mine. 

Moving to a New Town
We moved across the state and into my grandparents' vacation home after that.  This town is where we spent the next 5 or so years...one of the longest stretches we ever lived in one town.  So, this would also be where I began my illustrious education at the local elementary school, as a timid kindergartener afraid of the BIG, Scary World. 

On my first day of kindergarten, I climbed up the big yellow bus that would empty out into this new, ominous building with complete strangers.  When I walked through the doors and didn't know where to go, I stood in the hallway and began to cry.  My teacher, Mrs. Schuler, found me and put a loving arm around my trembling shoulders, guiding me into her classroom.  I loved her.  She was warm, welcoming, and always sang songs with us.  She had a piano in the classroom that she played "Suzie Snowflake" on, and she was simply glorious!

During that first year, I met many new friends...and even had a boyfriend!  Yup, that was me...the five-year-old floozy! 😆  His name was Jason.  And we played together on the playground a lot.  During nap time, we sometimes had our carpets (remember those?!) next to each other, too. 

This first year in my new town (my grandparents' weekend and summer town), we were always looking over our shoulders.  We were afraid of my biological father coming to kidnap us.  My brother, sister, and I overheard adult conversations, and were also taught all of the safety rules...don't go outside alone, don't tell anyone anything personal, and do NOT go with your father if he shows up to take you.  Also...he could try to take you at school, so the school knows that you are not to leave with him. But always be on the lookout for your crazy-ass father.

For the longest time, I never understood why my sister had a kindergarten graduation when she was finally in school, yet I hadn't had one.  And we had had the same teacher!  How unfair!  Yeah, well a few years back it finally, FINALLY dawned on me.  The reason why I hadn't had a kindergarten graduation was not because there wasn't one...it was because we were pulled out of school early that year to basically go into hiding.  After being picked up from school that day, us kids had to hide on the floor of the backseat of our light blue station wagon while my mother ran errands so that my father wouldn't see us, kidnap us, or shoot us.  (He was a sharp-shooter, you know.)

We lived in a world of fear. Which is why, one afternoon during my kindergarten nap, when a tall, strange man entered our classroom, went into the cubbies to grab a few things, and proceeded to remove my boyfriend, Jason, from the room, I thought he was coming for me.  It turns out that he was Jason's father, and yes, as the non-custodial parent, he actually did kidnap my friend.  He picked Jason up off of his napping carpet and carried him right out the door of the classroom, bookbag, coat, and shoes in hand. 

My teacher was clearly upset and worried, running out to the principal's office.  We didn't see Jason again for a very long time.  The local newspaper had run at least one story (that I remember) on Jason's disappearance.  Eventually, he was found and he returned to school.  But it was weeks or months later.  I cannot even imagine what his mother must've went through during this time.  To this day, I still think about how strange and coincidental it was that something like that happened to another child in my world, especially considering that it was a fear I lived every day.

In a nutshell, that's how my year of kindergarten shaped-up...fear of kidnapping, witnessing a kidnapping, missing out on my kindergarten graduation.  Were there good times/happy times?  Yes, of course there were!  Not having unlimited time to explore every single aspect of my childhood, though, I am focusing on the point of this series of posts.  Which, again, is to help other people realize that 1) childhood is a crap shoot...and you have absolutely NO say in how it turns out; 2) you have a choice in what happens AFTER childhood...what you become is all up to YOU; and 3) you are NOT alone...other people have grown up in messed-up families and have survived or THRIVED, so you can, too!  I am a prime example of that!

In my next post, I will continue sharing my early years with you.  I know that not everyone has experienced this type of childhood, but I hope some of you have connected with this post in some way.  Want to add to this conversation?  Feel free to write in the comments below!

No longer embarrassed,
Marathon Momma

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To Draw, Or Not To Draw?

Adults are...coloring?!?  Yes, they are! In fact, they're heading to craft stores for adult coloring books in droves!  If you haven't yet seen any articles or posts about this in your own social media newsfeeds, there is growing research that indicates that drawing and coloring can be as peaceful and relaxing as meditation can be for adults. Having read all the hype, I decided, what the heck? Why not try it out? So, although I am not typically one known for jumping on the bandwagon, I decided to purchase an adult coloring book to aid me in my quest for relaxation. 

This is the one I bought, which I got at Joann Fabrics, but you can get it on Amazon, too, right here:

When I first took out my new coloring book to experience this so-called "meditative" coloring, I was very excited! I got out my special Zig Memory System artist's markers that I have for paper crafting and my good ol' colored pencils. 

I wasn't sure which one I would prefer to use, but I thought I'd give them both a try. Within the first few minutes of coloring, it was completely evident to me which medium I would prefer:  the colored pencils. This was because I didn't like the way the markers felt on the paper. And I also didn't like how the paper pilled up beneath the marker's brush after repetitive strokes, much like a wool sweater does (until you finally shave it with a sweater shaver).  Too, I wasn't crazy about being able to see the brush strokes within the design I was coloring.

Feeling a bit dismayed with the results the markers were giving me, I opted to start a new page using my colored pencils.  My colored pencils are just your average, run-of-the-mill colored pencils...you know, the ones you can buy at Walmart for twenty-five cents during the back-to-school sales at the end of the summer. I liked the feel of the colored pencil on the paper much better.  It glided easier and created a smoother look to my design.

Once I began working on my new page, I quickly realized that the design I had chosen was incredibly detailed...which, to me, felt overwhelming at times. I also realized that when you are working on a detailed design, you can choose to hone in on as much or as little of the details as you wish. I found that the more I colored, the more I wanted to find ways in which I could "chunk" the designs to make it simpler to color. Of course, the OCD part of me still continued to pay close attention to the minutiae. The solution I found to feeling this sense of being overwhelmed:  my next coloring page would be far less detailed! That will be my strategy for now...until I can find the peace and relaxation I am seeking. Once I discover my happy place, I will be able to choose some of the more intricate designs again.

The other snafu I ran into...quite frequently, might I add...was lack of peace and quiet! With 3 children, two dogs, and three cats, (plus a husband), there is very little of that around...EVER! Hence the quest for peace in the first place! If it wasn't the kids fighting (or avoiding bedtime with their pleas for a drink, a snack, or a trip to the moon, etc.), then it was inevitable that the dog would be chasing the cats around the house like her last meal had been two weeks ago! It's been INSANE trying to find that one moment of solitude to actually relax during the coloring. Hmmm...I have no solution for this problem...as of yet!  Perhaps just waiting until the kids are all grown and out of the house?!? 

Kids, dogs, cats, husbands, and any random farm animals aside, there were actually a few moments where I did enjoy the coloring!  And although it wasn't always relaxing, I did manage to complete my first page! 

Right before I actually bought a real coloring book, I had found a couple of iPhone and iPad apps that let you color a design in electronically. One of the apps, "Adult Coloring Book," by Groom Lake Development, lets you listen to relaxing music or nature sounds while you "color".  I really like the designs on this app a lot, and there are more to choose from in the free part of the app than the Recolor app.  The other app, "Recolor," by Sumoing, lets you choose which medium you wish for your final product to appear like you used when coloring it in. Here are the designs I colored:

 This mandala was colored and left "Plain" in the section that allows you to choose the medium.

 After this next mandala was colored, I choose the "Shadow" medium, which, as you can see, makes the design look as if it is more 3-dimensional with a shadow added to it.

In this one, after I colored it, I choose the "Shiny" medium.  I think it makes it look like plastic!  What do you think?

Pretty neat, huh? I definitely enjoyed coloring electronically. It allows you to make mistakes and then correct them, just like the "undo" button in Microsoft programs.  I also enjoyed tapping to color a whole section in.  It was wicked easy and less fatiguing on my hands than traditional coloring! All-in-all, I feel like the electronic coloring book definitely has a place and a purpose in this new wave of adult...errrrrr...entertainment. 

After these coloring experiences, I was in a local scrapbooking store and came across books that teach you how to draw what the books referred to as "Zentangles". This is a type of drawing I have been doing since high school...but I never knew it was an actual "thing"! Now, mind you, mine have always been slightly different and have not followed "their" prescribed patterns and rules. But it was so exciting to see that I had been drawing "something real"! I could not wait to find out more information and begin drawing these "doodles" in a more formal manner (aka...not just on the side of my papers, but perhaps in a real drawing journal!?!?). As soon as I could, I began searching for more information online about Zentangle.

Having found several websites and tons of pictures, I couldn't wait to begin! So on my next adventure outside of the house, I actually did purchase a real drawing journal and real, adult's colored pencils!!! My first coloring experience with the new pencils was amazing...far more enjoyable and surprising than I seriously could have imagined! It really is incredible the difference quality materials can make!

Here are the pencils I purchased:

And here is the page I colored with the new pencils:

The new colored pencils were much smoother and the lead felt softer. In contrast, the old colored pencils I had been using kept breaking every time I would touch them to my paper...even if I wasn't pressing that hard. And whenever I would sharpen them, they would just break right apart. I was getting really frustrated with them, so the difference with the new colored pencils was huge! The new pencils seemed to just glide over my paper...and the colors were beautiful!

Okay, I got off on a wee little tangent there...so, back to the Zentangle style of drawing. Now that I had a real sketchpad I was ready to begin my visual journal.  I chose to use two different Sharpies. An extra fine tip and a fine tip. I like the contrast between the sizes as I'm drawing. 

Here is the sketch journal I chose:

And here are my Sharpies:

When I first sat down to draw, I started with a little tiny square on my page and started doodling different designs inside of it, but then I wanted to expand my design. So, I started working outside of the box. I was trying to challenge myself to use different types of doodles than I've ever used before, and at times my imagination was stalled. I had to find different ideas. So i did what any self-respecting, up-and-coming artist would do: I went online! I looked at the Zentangle method again and people's pictures of their own artwork for ideas.

Once I had a couple of designs that I could doodle, it started to flow a lot easier for me. I really enjoyed the Zentangle-esque style of drawing! It was so much fun! Once I was finished with my first page, I couldn't wait to start my next! 

Here is my first page, in all it's glory (haha):

For my next page, I once again looked up some ideas online and then let my imagination flow. Here is what I came up with:

Although I like this new design, I felt it was a bit "chunky" looking. 

So, for my next design, I had wanted to do something with a lot of fine detail. I went online again and found a beautiful piece of artwork that someone else had drawn and I decided to use that as my springboard. I didn't want to replicate it, but I wanted to use it to spark my creativity. Here is what I drew:

I love how it came out! I was a little bit frustrated at times by a few of my details and how they didn't turn out the way I originally thought they would, but when I take a look at the whole piece of work, I am quite satisfied. One of the things that I found out about the Zentangle method is that you are supposed to accept everything that you draw. So, if you think something you've drawn is a mistake, instead of dwelling on it being a mistake, you're supposed to turn it into part of your design. I had to do that several times! But, I was able to figure out a pattern or doodle for each "error"...even though at first I was a little frustrated with myself. 

In any case, this is my favorite piece of work so far, and I can't wait to draw another one! I just haven't had any time in the past week. 

Thanks for reading and I hope you've enjoyed this post! Hopefully I've even inspired you to try coloring or drawing!! Feel free to share your experiences below, and don't forget to follow my blog if you like what you've read so far! 

Artistically yours,

Marathon Momma

This is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween!

Halloween has been my favorite holiday since 1976. The day I was born. OK, maybe not that long...since I wasn't aware of anything for a few years yet. Still, I have always loved Halloween. I was the girl who continued to trick-or-treat all through high school. And into college, I still wore costumes. Then it was time to start having Halloween parties while I was in grad school and that continued through until I had the twins. I have always decorated to the nines for my favorite holiday. I have more decorations for Halloween than for Christmas...and we're talking like six or seven giant bins! The fun and excitement of Halloween has always captured my heart, and the child in me never gave it up.

This year, was a little different, though. I was feeling overwhelmed, my body has been in pain, and I was feeling depressed. Although I felt guilty about it, I didn't decorate or do any of my usual fall or Halloween activities with my children. Last weekend, we did finally go buy our pumpkins. But I didn't have the energy or desire to carve them. I had purchased the boys costumes ahead of time, but not Little Miss's. That ended up being fine, because she decided she wanted to be a rockstar, anyway. And we already had things around the house that we could use to pull together a costume for her. So that worked out fine.

As Halloween was nearing this week, and Little Miss kept asking to carve her pumpkin, I finally relented and spent Thursday evening doing that with the children. Well, sort of. Little Miss carved her own and she did a great job! 

The boys well, they didn't really want to have much to do with it. Chub-Chub did try to carve a little and scoop out some of the pulp and seeds. 

But Miracle Man didn't want to even touch the pumpkin guts! It totally freaked him out! He did, however, take the stem off!

So basically, I carved three pumpkins-mine and the boys's!! Here they all are:

Little Miss's is the bottom left pumpkin.

So, there. We carved the pumpkins. But we still didn't have any decorations up. The kids kept asking if we could go ahead and put them up, and so I figured that we would do that on Friday. Sure, there would be only one day left before Halloween, but at least it was a day before and not the day after! Besides, I decided I would only pull out a few things so that it wouldn't be as exhausting and as much work for me.

Friday night came (all too quickly)! And there we were, pulling out the Halloween decorations. All of a sudden, MiracleMan  started running around the house shrieking, "Aahhhh! It's a spider! Aahhhh!!" He had pulled out one of my furry spiders and was so thrilled with the thing that he was making a huge deal out of it!

And it was at that moment that I realized that I had to do this for my children. No matter how terrible I felt. It was important to them. And they loved it!

The more they all screamed and shreiked and got excited, the more I kept pulling out and hanging up. Miracle Man's excitement especially continued to escalate! He grabbed my phone and started snapping pictures. He's a budding photographer (wink, wink). Here's a sample of his work:

They almost look like pics from a horror movie, don't they!?

Chub-chub was fun, too. His excitement for the night was setting up my giant skeleton that stands over 6 feet tall and says things when you walk past him. I set him up inside the house on Friday, but on Saturday I put him outside the house where the trick-or-treaters would be walking past. Mwahahahaha!!!!

Chub-chub couldn't wait to open the box and put him together, but once he heard the skeleton speaking, he wanted me to put him back in the box! Immediately!! Which I did NOT do! Of course, that doesn't quite compare to our dog, Kallie's, reaction. She was quite unnerved by this giant skeleton man! She wouldn't stop barking at him!! I had to turn him off and "introduce" him to her. She did eventually get used to him last night and all was well.

So, in the end, we had a great time, even if I got to the point where I was flat-out exhausted! The kids were thrilled to have decorations up for Halloween! And I was grateful to them for bringing me back some of my Halloween joy. 

When Saturday finally dawned, I couldn't wait to take them trick-or-treating! We cleaned a little bit and prepared some food, as we also got ready for trick-or-treaters. The boys took their afternoon nap, and once they woke up, it was time for costumes! :-) The boys were firemen, and Little Miss was her rockstar costume. She was too cold in it, though, so she covered up with her jacket. Kallie was a bumble bee, and I was a "good" witch (though some might argue that point). Prince Charming pulled out his cow costume that we got for him many years ago. Our whole family was ready to go!

We had a nice evening, walking, chatting with neighbors...and the kids brought home a ton of candy for us! Oops! I mean for themselves....yeah, themselves!

Today, I'm a train wreck. Every single part of my body hurts. And I am feeling incredibly fatigued. I didn't really move around the house much today at all. But, I am thrilled that I had enough energy yesterday so that I could enjoy trick-or-treating with my children! 

And in the end, I'm grateful to my children for reminding me, once again, that this is all about them. And I have to push through my pain, exhaustion, and depression, for them! They need me. They need me to show them how to have fun and how to celebrate holidays. They need me to teach them that it's OK to still be young and not have to shoulder any adult burdens. They need their momma to be who she used to be...even if only for a day!! I'm thankful for my kiddles...in some new ways, even.

Feeling blessed,

Marathon Momma